The One Where my Hair is on the fritz!

Yep. My hair has finally started coming out. I'm not losing a whole lot as of yet, but none the less it is coming out. I am very ok with it though. I had my fourth round of chemo today and it's kicking my butt. Today i'm vomiting and I'm already extremely tired. My taste buds have really been effected lately. I can barely stomach spicy foods which is a bummer because I love them. They burn my mouth so bad, plus I get really sweaty and dizzy. Other foods taste really plain. I cannot stomach the taste of Coke, which is probably a good thing. The only think I've really been able to drink is lemonade. I think the sweetness helps.

Today while I was in the waiting room before chemo, I suddenly just started crying uncontrollably. I was getting stares. I just am so over this. It is really starting to take it's toll on me. Mentally and Physically. I know it will be over soon enough and it will soon be a thing in the past, but I'm ready to get there already.

The past 2 weeks were extremely taxing because I had a cold along with the chemo. My cough has resurfaced and that is making me pretty cranky. I haven't had a decent nights sleep in weeks. I'm assuming I'll sleep great tonight due to the drugs though.

I'm really too tired to keep updating with all the other things I want to get off my chest. I'll save it for next week when i'm feeling better, even though i'm sure I won't remember what I wanted to say. Dang chemo brain is killing me!

The One Where I Have Doubts

For the first time today, it suddenly occurred to me: what if i'm one of those unlucky ones where the chemo doesn't work, and my cancer isn't cured??? It just hit me like a pile of bricks. I mean the thought never even crossed my mind and I'm not sure what made me think of it. Hodgkins is generally thought of as "the good cancer" and is typically curable and treatable, so I don't know why I have my doubts. I guess I'm just anxious for a few more treatments and for my first PET scan to occur to find out if the cancer is fading and if I will have to have radiation. Seems like it is so far away, the end seems so far away but i know the next 10 rounds of chemo will fly by. It's just hard to picture myself there.

I"m also watching The Biggest Loser which doesn't help matters. every Tuesday night I sit on my couch and ball my eyes out. I used to cry because I wished that one day I would get off my butt and make this weight loss happen. Then I finally did it. Not quite to where I want to be, but I"m so beyond happy with where I"m at right now. Now I cry because it just brings back all the pain that I've gone through my whole life battling my weight. I'm not sure that pain ever goes away. It feels like one obstacle was so close to being overcame, and now this whole cancer bit. Puts a kink in the plans. At the beginning of 2010, when the future seemed so bright, I had plans to run a half marathon. Those plans got shot to hell, but I'm 2011 will be my year. I'll have my energy back. I'll have my breath back. It's so hard to not be able to breath. It's so hard to not have control over what my body can do. It's frustrating. i'm frustrated!

On another note, my awesome Aunt Donna sent me some of her wigs. My hair hasn't started coming out yet, but I"m getting prepared. Check this bad boy out!

The one Where I get Sick

Today was Chemo treatment #2. The treatment with smoothly with just a little stint of where I felt really dizzy and lightheaded but that passed. Once home, i couldn't keep my eyes open and went straight to bed. I woke up only to puke my guts up. Not fun. I'm reminded today of how much I cherish the good days. I've got amazing days coming ahead of me including a trip to Chicago. I bought tickets to go to a concert by an amazing band called Something Corporate. They are having a reunion tour, having broke up about 5 years ago. The lead singer Andrew formed a new band called Jack's Mannequin. Also amazing. Andrew was diagnosed with lymphatic leukemia a few years ago and went through complete hell by the looks of it. My lymphoma experience is about the same, but he is in remission and is such an inspiration. His lyrics are amazing from their latest album and it gives me hope for my future. I am so excited about this concert and literally nothing could stop me!

In other news, I've decided, (like actually decided and not just faking it) that I am not going to let cancer hold me down. I'm looking to get back out into this whole dating scene. Not sure how that is going to work out, but after a devastatingly terrible break up and broken heart, I've finally healed those wounds. I think having cancer really helped with that actually, so for that, thank you Hodgkins. I need a nickname for my cancer. I'll come back to that. Anyways. It's seemed like a crazy obstacle course the past few years with amazing ups and incredible lows. Losing 100 pounds, way up! Having my heart ripped out and trampled on, way down! But lessons are learned and hearts are mended. I finally have put myself in place where I'm ready to love again. Now there is this whole cancer business, but it's just a minor snag in that plan. I think I've just watched the Notebook way too many times and the hopeless romantic in me is just blooming!

Today was a bad day though. I was sick and my spirits were down, but I know that there is hope on the other side of today. I'm trying to be as strong as humanly possible. This is just something that I have to do. It's just something that I have to go through and I might be changed for the good.

The One Where I Feel Guilty

Feeling guilty is one of those useless emotions (like jealousy) that can eat you alive and is so hard to stop. I"m 3 days post my first chemotherapy treatment and so far I haven't really gotten sick as I expected. I've been extremely tired and pretty much slept all of today and had a few waves of nausea that passed quickly. It seems my medication is working. But generally speaking, I am ok so far. I've just become a prisoner of my mind though. I woke up sneezing so I was paranoid that I was sick. All night when I kept waking up, all I kept thinking was "is it time to be sick? am I sick?" I just feel very fortunate that so far I'm not one of the sick ones. I should probably knock on wood.

The only problem is that I feel really guilty when I get upset or scared. For instance last night it just hit me again. I HAVE CANCER! I just completed my first round of chemo. It just is very surreal to me. I'm not in denial, it just doesn't seem right. And with that being said, I cried for a while last night. I"m scared of the unexpected. I just don't want to go through all this. But then I feel guilty. I"m guilty because here I am whining because I'm tired and because I've got to be treated for cancer, a cancer that is VERY TREATABLE, while others around me are going through much worse. When I was getting treatment last Thursday I was most definitely the youngest person there, and by about 50 years. The other people were really sick and were really in pain. Others around me have brain cancer and even stage 4 lung cancer, which is much more scary than what I'm going through. But yet, I can't get those feelings out of my head that I"VE GOT IT BAD! I'm so thankful that of any cancer diagnosis, this is what I have, but at the same time it's very hard to be THANKFUL for cancer.

I'm scared to wake up every morning or after every nap right now. I just don't want to be sick, but that sounds like too much to ask. The good news is that this upcoming week I don't have a doctors appointment for the first week in about 2 months, so I'm thrilled I don't have to see a single doctor! WOOHOO!

Oh, I also chopped my hair off and dyed it brunette. Mid life cancer crisis I suppose.

The One Where I'm Ready To Fight To the Death

So the past few days have been hectic for me. I was finally able to make a trip to Nashville and visit all my friends. I can't tell you guys enough how much this meant to me to see everyone and how much it lifted my spirits. Had I not been able to visit everyone, i'm sure I would be deeply depressed.

Today sadly I had to come back to Memphis and back to reality. As soon as i got back into town I had to head straight to the doctors office. He informed me that my cancer is in a stage 3 due to the fact that my spleen is huge and the tumor in my chest is larger than expected. Also with that being said the doctor sprung it on me that I may have to have radiation as well, but we would cross that bridge in about 4 months.

Chemotherapy starts tomorrow at 10 am. I'm beyond nervous and beyond scared. I have no idea what to expect. I just can't believe this day has finally arrived that I have to stare cancer in the face and have a showdown to the death. I'm betting on myself! I hope to be able to update as the chemotherapy kicks in but I'm not sure how I will be feeling as everyone really reacts differently to the treatment. I am definitely not looking forward to the nausea and the vomiting. Not that anyone would be. Here's to CHEMO!

The One where My Prayers were Answered

Last night before I went to bed, I had a lot going on in my mind as usual. This week I've had my portacath put in and a bilateral bone marrow biopsy that has left my hips so sore that it's been hard to get up and down and walk around. It has been a physically tiring week but an even more tiring emotional week as I haven't stopped crying for 3 days! I have been planning a trip to Nashville for next week, being as that it might be my last chance before chemo starts. I need to see my friends. I miss all my friends there! Not being able to see them week after week kills me. I'm so thankful to be surrounded by my family but my friends are just as close to me as they are. So I laid in bed and cried. I was hurting and it got me thinking I might not make my trip next week. So I prayed as I do every night, but I prayed that He would just take my pain away. I didn't want to hurt anymore and I want to see my friends. I woke up this morning and just crawled out of bed and started going down the stairs and it hit me like a pile of bricks. I felt NO pain in my hips. I got up with ease and just flew down those stairs almost as if I had never had the procedure. I cried immediately knowing that God had answered my prayers. I know that my prayers do not go unanswered but I needed that reminder that if I just have faith and put it in His hands, He will carry me. I just couldn't believe it. Today is a great day! I love the good days because on my bad days I know that once again I will feel great if I just give it time!

The one where I Screamed!

Today I had my bilateral bone marrow biopsy. Let me just tell you I wouldn't wish that upon anyone. That was the worst pain I've ever felt in my life and I screamed in the room. Thank goodness my mother was right there with me to comfort me. I'm having flashbacks tonight about that pain and it brings tears to my eyes. I had an amazing cry at the hospital today. Sure I was hyperventilating and balling uncontrollably but it felt so good to get all of that out. Next week my chemo should start and I'm not sure how I'm feeling about it. After what I went through today, I can't imagine anything being worse. But for the rest of this week I have no more procedures and I'm hoping to heal nicely. I hope to visit Nashville next week before the Chemo starts. I'm missing a lot of people there. It's hard being away from friends.