The One Where I Have Doubts

For the first time today, it suddenly occurred to me: what if i'm one of those unlucky ones where the chemo doesn't work, and my cancer isn't cured??? It just hit me like a pile of bricks. I mean the thought never even crossed my mind and I'm not sure what made me think of it. Hodgkins is generally thought of as "the good cancer" and is typically curable and treatable, so I don't know why I have my doubts. I guess I'm just anxious for a few more treatments and for my first PET scan to occur to find out if the cancer is fading and if I will have to have radiation. Seems like it is so far away, the end seems so far away but i know the next 10 rounds of chemo will fly by. It's just hard to picture myself there.

I"m also watching The Biggest Loser which doesn't help matters. every Tuesday night I sit on my couch and ball my eyes out. I used to cry because I wished that one day I would get off my butt and make this weight loss happen. Then I finally did it. Not quite to where I want to be, but I"m so beyond happy with where I"m at right now. Now I cry because it just brings back all the pain that I've gone through my whole life battling my weight. I'm not sure that pain ever goes away. It feels like one obstacle was so close to being overcame, and now this whole cancer bit. Puts a kink in the plans. At the beginning of 2010, when the future seemed so bright, I had plans to run a half marathon. Those plans got shot to hell, but I'm 2011 will be my year. I'll have my energy back. I'll have my breath back. It's so hard to not be able to breath. It's so hard to not have control over what my body can do. It's frustrating. i'm frustrated!

On another note, my awesome Aunt Donna sent me some of her wigs. My hair hasn't started coming out yet, but I"m getting prepared. Check this bad boy out!

The one Where I get Sick

Today was Chemo treatment #2. The treatment with smoothly with just a little stint of where I felt really dizzy and lightheaded but that passed. Once home, i couldn't keep my eyes open and went straight to bed. I woke up only to puke my guts up. Not fun. I'm reminded today of how much I cherish the good days. I've got amazing days coming ahead of me including a trip to Chicago. I bought tickets to go to a concert by an amazing band called Something Corporate. They are having a reunion tour, having broke up about 5 years ago. The lead singer Andrew formed a new band called Jack's Mannequin. Also amazing. Andrew was diagnosed with lymphatic leukemia a few years ago and went through complete hell by the looks of it. My lymphoma experience is about the same, but he is in remission and is such an inspiration. His lyrics are amazing from their latest album and it gives me hope for my future. I am so excited about this concert and literally nothing could stop me!

In other news, I've decided, (like actually decided and not just faking it) that I am not going to let cancer hold me down. I'm looking to get back out into this whole dating scene. Not sure how that is going to work out, but after a devastatingly terrible break up and broken heart, I've finally healed those wounds. I think having cancer really helped with that actually, so for that, thank you Hodgkins. I need a nickname for my cancer. I'll come back to that. Anyways. It's seemed like a crazy obstacle course the past few years with amazing ups and incredible lows. Losing 100 pounds, way up! Having my heart ripped out and trampled on, way down! But lessons are learned and hearts are mended. I finally have put myself in place where I'm ready to love again. Now there is this whole cancer business, but it's just a minor snag in that plan. I think I've just watched the Notebook way too many times and the hopeless romantic in me is just blooming!

Today was a bad day though. I was sick and my spirits were down, but I know that there is hope on the other side of today. I'm trying to be as strong as humanly possible. This is just something that I have to do. It's just something that I have to go through and I might be changed for the good.