Tuesday, May 11, 2010

The One Where I Have Doubts

For the first time today, it suddenly occurred to me: what if i'm one of those unlucky ones where the chemo doesn't work, and my cancer isn't cured??? It just hit me like a pile of bricks. I mean the thought never even crossed my mind and I'm not sure what made me think of it. Hodgkins is generally thought of as "the good cancer" and is typically curable and treatable, so I don't know why I have my doubts. I guess I'm just anxious for a few more treatments and for my first PET scan to occur to find out if the cancer is fading and if I will have to have radiation. Seems like it is so far away, the end seems so far away but i know the next 10 rounds of chemo will fly by. It's just hard to picture myself there.

I"m also watching The Biggest Loser which doesn't help matters. every Tuesday night I sit on my couch and ball my eyes out. I used to cry because I wished that one day I would get off my butt and make this weight loss happen. Then I finally did it. Not quite to where I want to be, but I"m so beyond happy with where I"m at right now. Now I cry because it just brings back all the pain that I've gone through my whole life battling my weight. I'm not sure that pain ever goes away. It feels like one obstacle was so close to being overcame, and now this whole cancer bit. Puts a kink in the plans. At the beginning of 2010, when the future seemed so bright, I had plans to run a half marathon. Those plans got shot to hell, but I'm 2011 will be my year. I'll have my energy back. I'll have my breath back. It's so hard to not be able to breath. It's so hard to not have control over what my body can do. It's frustrating. i'm frustrated!

On another note, my awesome Aunt Donna sent me some of her wigs. My hair hasn't started coming out yet, but I"m getting prepared. Check this bad boy out!

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