Thursday, September 30, 2010

The one where I kicked Cancers Ass

Well the day has finally arrived. A) i am updating my blog but B) im updating because I have sooo much to say. So be aware, this may be long.

It's been about 2 months since I last updated and its been a rough past 2 months. More weight gain dragging me down and becoming really sick to where my bloodcounts were so low, my chemo had to be postponed. BUT, with that said, today, I had my very LAST CHEMO! I cannot believe I actually survived 6 months of chemotherapy. I've been sick, i've gained 60 pounds, I lost my hair, I lost my mind, BUT..... I got so many other good things as well. (more on those in a few). I got the results of my latest PET scan on monday and the tumors have still shrunk even more. The largest one in my chest that was the size of a grapefruit is not the size of a golf ball. Even better news is that the cancer appears to no longer be active! WHAT??? yes, Herbie Hodgkins has officially had his ass kicked! With that said, the PET scan is not infallible so I must still have 4 weeks of radiation to make sure it is completely gone and to decrease my chances of a Hodgkins recurrence. Side effects of radiation are mild including a sunburn, a hard time swallowing, fatigue, and a cough. I can handle those. The major side effects i'll be looking for 10 years from now which is a higher occurrence of breast cancer. giddy up!

Radiation should begin in the middle of October and I should be done by Thanksgiving. After that Im' hoping that I can finally get my port-a-cath out. I hate this thing with a passion. I'm all robotish and it just freaks me out.

Today my emotions were running very high. As soon as I sat down in my chemo chair and my chemo nurse said "last one!" i just lost it and started crying. They were tears of joy and tears of a struggle. The only saving grace was that my boyfriend Michael was there and I just didn't want to lose it in front of him.

So on to the good things. I've learned i'm a lot stronger than I thought I was. I can't believe I made it through this. I've gotten closer to so many family members and have reconnected with many old friends. All of my friends and family have been so supportive this year with kind words of encouragement or just a simple comment to make me laugh. This year was about lots of laughs. Through all the nights I cried myself to sleep and the mornings when I woke up crying and thinking I couldn't go another day like this, there was a message waiting for me when I woke up. Someone telling me that I could totally rock the GI Jane look for Halloween or someone giving me an uplifting scripture message. Without all of you, I would never have made it in one piece.

I've talked about this months ago, and that was how cancer actually was able to put a lot of things in perspective. It also helped me heal a broken heart oddly enough. That was completely unexpected. What was even more unexpected was me falling in love. I didn't think my heart would ever open up to anyone ever again, let alone while I had cancer. All I could think was "who's going to love me now?' After losing my hair, being tired with no energy, being grumpy alot, and the weight gain. But I did find someone. Someone who makes me soooo happy and someone who has been by my side the past 2 months. Going to me with chemo and enduring hours of boring poison injecting! I love you so much mr. michael! SOOO much!

So yeah, this is my update. Life is good.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

The One Where The FDA Does Not Approve My Diet Plan

I think it just occurred to me that prior to diagnosis, when I was losing all this weight (100lbs), it really had nothing to do with my sudden mastery of dieting and my attempt at running. All that time, I really thought that I had worked hard to lose weight and to change my life, but really it was Henry Hodgkins and his persistence to grow inside of me and tease me with a life I've always wanted. So, thank you Henry Hodgkins for at least giving me a glimpse of what life could be like skinnier. But in order to kill you and for me to live, I have to chemo your ass. On one hand, I guess it is better to be alive. But on the other hand living a life of being the fat girl again is pretty depressing. As of date, I have gained 40 lbs in 3 months and I'm only getting fatter.

There is part of me that really thinks that when this is all over, I can go back to dieting and go back to working out and I can lose it again. At the same time it seems like something I just can't do. For my entire life, I was always the fat kid. Then when I suddenly started losing the weight, life seemed to really change for the better for me. Then The cancer struck and just ruined everything.

I know I shouldn't be as lame as to complain about weight gain when it is saving my life, BUT.....

Saturday, July 24, 2010

The One Where Strangers Are My Best Friends

So the past few weeks have probably been the worst so far for me during this whole process. I haven't slept more than 4 or 5 hours a night for weeks and I am constantly having sever joint pain. It has become unbearable and all the medicine I have been taking does not seem to help. With that being said, i've been really cranky lately and probably really unpleasant to be around. I snapped at my mom earlier in the week and she did not deserve it. She has done everything she possibly can for me to make me comfortable and to make me happy. This whole cancer thing isn't on me, but its really not easy on my mom or those closest to me. I honestly can't imagine being in my mothers shoes and having to deal with me!

Also, throughout all of this, i've said it over and over again that as much as everyone tries to understand what I'm going through, they just can't. But there are people that do understand. And these people are my best friends, who happen to be complete strangers. I've made quite a few friends through the Cancers Survivor Network. It's a great place to meet people who have been through or are going through this exact same thing. I've met so many people who are around my age and that in itself is a blessing. No offense to my companions at the UT Cancer institute, but I don't have much to talk about with my 70 year old companions, other than a love of The Price is Right. Anyways, I digress. Some of my friends have been in remission for 20 years, some have just finished treatment, and others are still fighting away. Everytime I get to hear the wonderful news that someone's cancer is gone, I truly get so excited for them. I know my day is right around the corner and i know they will be right there cheering me on as well. So thanks!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

The One Where Kristen Bailey is gone too soon

This deserves a post all in its own.

On June 17th one of my dearest friends Kristen Bailey passed away. It came as a complete shock to me. I had just gotten home from chemo when I talked to her mom. What happened to her is still unclear, but we know that she died in her sleep while on a business trip in Missouri. I had just spoken to her a few days before she passed. We were talking about my newly found bald hair cut and she was telling me how excited she was to go on her trip. She was so happy, happier than she had been in such a long time. Her masters was completed, she had a great new job, and a super hot new car.

Now my dear friend is gone too soon. I met Kristen at MTSU back in 2004. She was energetic and silly and I was instantly drawn to her. One day she sat down with me and told me how much she admired me. I thought it was a strange thing to say and i asked her why. She told me that she admired me because I was so confident and seemingly didn't care what people thought and was true to myself no matter what. She said that she admired that because when she was heavier she didn't feel those things. Her telling me this was a shock, as she was a tiny little thing and I was, well, quite the opposite. I told her that I couldn't imagine her not being confident, as knowing her for a few short months, she seemed to have everything under control. She was full of life, and smart. so smart (i def copied off a few of her tests in int'l biz). From that moment I knew that I would have a friend that could understand the things that I was going through and that I could learn from her. In fact, she was my main motivation to start losing weight. I looked at her and said if she can do it so can I.

Over the years we had some awesome times together. She eventually became a neighbor to me in our apartment community and there were nights when I was upset and she always offered a shoulder to cry on. She was the least selfish person I have ever met in my life. She would sit there and listen to me, even when I was blabbing about the same thing over and over again.

In February, Kristen called me and was in a great deal of pain. She asked me if i could take her to the emergency room and of course i did not hesitate. While we were sitting in the Triage area, the doc was asking her all kinds of questions about her medical past and surgeries and what not. It blew my mind how much she had really been through. I knew that she had been sick a lot but she never really spoke about it too much. She was always so positive and didn't let it get her down. Anyways, I sat there with her for almost 8 hours. I know she was in terrible pain, but I didn't hear her complain at all. Never. We actually had a blast in there. Talking about boys and watching Hoarders.

A month later, I was diagnosed with Hodgkins. Kristen was immediately one of the first people I wanted to call. We went to dinner and she listened to me and she comforted me. I was scared. So scared. All she did was tell me that It will be ok and to be strong. I think her influence is one of the reasons I've been so strong during all of this. I just remember that Kristen had been through such similar pain and she was so strong through it all. After all my surgeries and after chemo she called to check on me.

Now more than ever, I just want to talk to her. I miss her silly voice. I cry myself to sleep most nights thinking about her. I know I shouldn't be sad because I know she is in a better place. But I'm selfish and I want her here. I wonder when it gets easier. I really feel like it is surreal. I can't believe that at 26, she's just gone. I really miss my friend.

The One Where I'm Halfway There

I know it's been a while. I am halfway done with my chemo treatments. Yay. I guess. I had a chest xray a few weeks ago and the doc told me that the tumor is shrinking significantly. He did say however that I will probably still have to have radiation when it is all said and done. So yes, it was a good visit, but at the same time it just made me sad that I still have a long ways to go. I'm sure when I'm all done, i'll look back and think "wow, what a short amount of time it was."

Things have been really rough for me the past month though. I am so emotionally and physically exhausted I can barely stand it. I'm getting weaker as the weeks go by. I'm bald. I've gained about 40 lbs from the chemo. That has been one of the most annoying parts. Working so hard to lose so much's all just down the drain. I've felt really depressed. It's a lonely time for me even though i'm surrounded by people all the time, and all the time I just wish to be alone. It's weird really. I know i've said it over and over again, but people just don't understand. As much as they want to understand, they can't. You just can't imagine what it's like to be tired all the time. To barely have the energy to get up and go pee. My joints have been hurting so bad lately. I can't sleep the pain is so bad.

I've had a lot of good experiences though. I went to Pittsburgh to see Suzie and I had such a great time up there. It was so beautiful and we ate some truly amazing food. I could maybe see myself living there. Or maybe not. Maybe Chicago is in order. Maybe back to Nashville. It all seems so far away. Getting back to normalcy. I hate that I have such a defeatist attitude lately. I feel like I have to put on such a strong face all the time because I hate when people pity me. Yeah my life sucks, but it sucks even more when people go "awwww, or how are you feeling?, or your hair looks great" blah blah blah. I am really thankful for all the people that care and support me but it's really overwhelming sometimes. Getting asked how i'm doing 20 times a day gets really tiring. I'm terrible, i feel like crap, and somedays it's just more than I can take. All I have are my thoughts all day long. Nothing more. They are crazy thoughts. Scatterbrained, sad, depressed, anxious.

This was probably the most unproductive post, but there it is.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

The One Where my Hair is on the fritz!

Yep. My hair has finally started coming out. I'm not losing a whole lot as of yet, but none the less it is coming out. I am very ok with it though. I had my fourth round of chemo today and it's kicking my butt. Today i'm vomiting and I'm already extremely tired. My taste buds have really been effected lately. I can barely stomach spicy foods which is a bummer because I love them. They burn my mouth so bad, plus I get really sweaty and dizzy. Other foods taste really plain. I cannot stomach the taste of Coke, which is probably a good thing. The only think I've really been able to drink is lemonade. I think the sweetness helps.

Today while I was in the waiting room before chemo, I suddenly just started crying uncontrollably. I was getting stares. I just am so over this. It is really starting to take it's toll on me. Mentally and Physically. I know it will be over soon enough and it will soon be a thing in the past, but I'm ready to get there already.

The past 2 weeks were extremely taxing because I had a cold along with the chemo. My cough has resurfaced and that is making me pretty cranky. I haven't had a decent nights sleep in weeks. I'm assuming I'll sleep great tonight due to the drugs though.

I'm really too tired to keep updating with all the other things I want to get off my chest. I'll save it for next week when i'm feeling better, even though i'm sure I won't remember what I wanted to say. Dang chemo brain is killing me!

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

The One Where I Have Doubts

For the first time today, it suddenly occurred to me: what if i'm one of those unlucky ones where the chemo doesn't work, and my cancer isn't cured??? It just hit me like a pile of bricks. I mean the thought never even crossed my mind and I'm not sure what made me think of it. Hodgkins is generally thought of as "the good cancer" and is typically curable and treatable, so I don't know why I have my doubts. I guess I'm just anxious for a few more treatments and for my first PET scan to occur to find out if the cancer is fading and if I will have to have radiation. Seems like it is so far away, the end seems so far away but i know the next 10 rounds of chemo will fly by. It's just hard to picture myself there.

I"m also watching The Biggest Loser which doesn't help matters. every Tuesday night I sit on my couch and ball my eyes out. I used to cry because I wished that one day I would get off my butt and make this weight loss happen. Then I finally did it. Not quite to where I want to be, but I"m so beyond happy with where I"m at right now. Now I cry because it just brings back all the pain that I've gone through my whole life battling my weight. I'm not sure that pain ever goes away. It feels like one obstacle was so close to being overcame, and now this whole cancer bit. Puts a kink in the plans. At the beginning of 2010, when the future seemed so bright, I had plans to run a half marathon. Those plans got shot to hell, but I'm 2011 will be my year. I'll have my energy back. I'll have my breath back. It's so hard to not be able to breath. It's so hard to not have control over what my body can do. It's frustrating. i'm frustrated!

On another note, my awesome Aunt Donna sent me some of her wigs. My hair hasn't started coming out yet, but I"m getting prepared. Check this bad boy out!

Friday, May 7, 2010

The one Where I get Sick

Today was Chemo treatment #2. The treatment with smoothly with just a little stint of where I felt really dizzy and lightheaded but that passed. Once home, i couldn't keep my eyes open and went straight to bed. I woke up only to puke my guts up. Not fun. I'm reminded today of how much I cherish the good days. I've got amazing days coming ahead of me including a trip to Chicago. I bought tickets to go to a concert by an amazing band called Something Corporate. They are having a reunion tour, having broke up about 5 years ago. The lead singer Andrew formed a new band called Jack's Mannequin. Also amazing. Andrew was diagnosed with lymphatic leukemia a few years ago and went through complete hell by the looks of it. My lymphoma experience is about the same, but he is in remission and is such an inspiration. His lyrics are amazing from their latest album and it gives me hope for my future. I am so excited about this concert and literally nothing could stop me!

In other news, I've decided, (like actually decided and not just faking it) that I am not going to let cancer hold me down. I'm looking to get back out into this whole dating scene. Not sure how that is going to work out, but after a devastatingly terrible break up and broken heart, I've finally healed those wounds. I think having cancer really helped with that actually, so for that, thank you Hodgkins. I need a nickname for my cancer. I'll come back to that. Anyways. It's seemed like a crazy obstacle course the past few years with amazing ups and incredible lows. Losing 100 pounds, way up! Having my heart ripped out and trampled on, way down! But lessons are learned and hearts are mended. I finally have put myself in place where I'm ready to love again. Now there is this whole cancer business, but it's just a minor snag in that plan. I think I've just watched the Notebook way too many times and the hopeless romantic in me is just blooming!

Today was a bad day though. I was sick and my spirits were down, but I know that there is hope on the other side of today. I'm trying to be as strong as humanly possible. This is just something that I have to do. It's just something that I have to go through and I might be changed for the good.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

The One Where I Feel Guilty

Feeling guilty is one of those useless emotions (like jealousy) that can eat you alive and is so hard to stop. I"m 3 days post my first chemotherapy treatment and so far I haven't really gotten sick as I expected. I've been extremely tired and pretty much slept all of today and had a few waves of nausea that passed quickly. It seems my medication is working. But generally speaking, I am ok so far. I've just become a prisoner of my mind though. I woke up sneezing so I was paranoid that I was sick. All night when I kept waking up, all I kept thinking was "is it time to be sick? am I sick?" I just feel very fortunate that so far I'm not one of the sick ones. I should probably knock on wood.

The only problem is that I feel really guilty when I get upset or scared. For instance last night it just hit me again. I HAVE CANCER! I just completed my first round of chemo. It just is very surreal to me. I'm not in denial, it just doesn't seem right. And with that being said, I cried for a while last night. I"m scared of the unexpected. I just don't want to go through all this. But then I feel guilty. I"m guilty because here I am whining because I'm tired and because I've got to be treated for cancer, a cancer that is VERY TREATABLE, while others around me are going through much worse. When I was getting treatment last Thursday I was most definitely the youngest person there, and by about 50 years. The other people were really sick and were really in pain. Others around me have brain cancer and even stage 4 lung cancer, which is much more scary than what I'm going through. But yet, I can't get those feelings out of my head that I"VE GOT IT BAD! I'm so thankful that of any cancer diagnosis, this is what I have, but at the same time it's very hard to be THANKFUL for cancer.

I'm scared to wake up every morning or after every nap right now. I just don't want to be sick, but that sounds like too much to ask. The good news is that this upcoming week I don't have a doctors appointment for the first week in about 2 months, so I'm thrilled I don't have to see a single doctor! WOOHOO!

Oh, I also chopped my hair off and dyed it brunette. Mid life cancer crisis I suppose.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

The One Where I'm Ready To Fight To the Death

So the past few days have been hectic for me. I was finally able to make a trip to Nashville and visit all my friends. I can't tell you guys enough how much this meant to me to see everyone and how much it lifted my spirits. Had I not been able to visit everyone, i'm sure I would be deeply depressed.

Today sadly I had to come back to Memphis and back to reality. As soon as i got back into town I had to head straight to the doctors office. He informed me that my cancer is in a stage 3 due to the fact that my spleen is huge and the tumor in my chest is larger than expected. Also with that being said the doctor sprung it on me that I may have to have radiation as well, but we would cross that bridge in about 4 months.

Chemotherapy starts tomorrow at 10 am. I'm beyond nervous and beyond scared. I have no idea what to expect. I just can't believe this day has finally arrived that I have to stare cancer in the face and have a showdown to the death. I'm betting on myself! I hope to be able to update as the chemotherapy kicks in but I'm not sure how I will be feeling as everyone really reacts differently to the treatment. I am definitely not looking forward to the nausea and the vomiting. Not that anyone would be. Here's to CHEMO!

Friday, April 16, 2010

The One where My Prayers were Answered

Last night before I went to bed, I had a lot going on in my mind as usual. This week I've had my portacath put in and a bilateral bone marrow biopsy that has left my hips so sore that it's been hard to get up and down and walk around. It has been a physically tiring week but an even more tiring emotional week as I haven't stopped crying for 3 days! I have been planning a trip to Nashville for next week, being as that it might be my last chance before chemo starts. I need to see my friends. I miss all my friends there! Not being able to see them week after week kills me. I'm so thankful to be surrounded by my family but my friends are just as close to me as they are. So I laid in bed and cried. I was hurting and it got me thinking I might not make my trip next week. So I prayed as I do every night, but I prayed that He would just take my pain away. I didn't want to hurt anymore and I want to see my friends. I woke up this morning and just crawled out of bed and started going down the stairs and it hit me like a pile of bricks. I felt NO pain in my hips. I got up with ease and just flew down those stairs almost as if I had never had the procedure. I cried immediately knowing that God had answered my prayers. I know that my prayers do not go unanswered but I needed that reminder that if I just have faith and put it in His hands, He will carry me. I just couldn't believe it. Today is a great day! I love the good days because on my bad days I know that once again I will feel great if I just give it time!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

The one where I Screamed!

Today I had my bilateral bone marrow biopsy. Let me just tell you I wouldn't wish that upon anyone. That was the worst pain I've ever felt in my life and I screamed in the room. Thank goodness my mother was right there with me to comfort me. I'm having flashbacks tonight about that pain and it brings tears to my eyes. I had an amazing cry at the hospital today. Sure I was hyperventilating and balling uncontrollably but it felt so good to get all of that out. Next week my chemo should start and I'm not sure how I'm feeling about it. After what I went through today, I can't imagine anything being worse. But for the rest of this week I have no more procedures and I'm hoping to heal nicely. I hope to visit Nashville next week before the Chemo starts. I'm missing a lot of people there. It's hard being away from friends.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

The one where Reality sinks in

Today was a hard day. I had my portacath inserted today. I was emotional most of the day cause it just hit me that I HAVE CANCER! They let me know I would have minimal pain, however that wasn't the case. After they made the first incision, they realized that scar tissue from my previous 2 biopsies was in the way so they had to make another incision over my old one. Afterwards, I was in pain. I was having trouble lifting my head because of the pain in my neck. I felt like most of it was in my head. After my last biopsy I had a good 4 days of miserable pain and I was just having a flashback of that and praying I wouldn't go through that again. They gave me 2 percocets and that seemed to help and make me really really loopy! I spent a good hour in and out of crying. Once I got home my mom had to ice my body down because i was so hot and sweating. I finally fell asleep and once I woke up I felt alot better. God got me through today and I know he will get me through every day. 

Tomorrow is my bilateral bone marrow biopsy and i hope it's a better day. I'm so thankful I have my parents by my side. I wouldn't get through this without them. This biopsy along with the PET scan will help determine what stage the cancer is in.  No matter the outcome, the treatments are the same.  I just pray it is not in the bone marrow.  If it is that increases my chances of getting secondary cancers, primarily Luekemia.  BOO.

Chemotheropy:  My treatment will consist of a 6 month plan with me receiving cycles once every other week.  After 3 months I'll have another PET scan to see if the tumors are shrinking. If they are shrinking to the doctors liking, it looks like I won't have to have radiation which is great news.  I'm scared to death honestly.  I'm not looking forward to being sick.  Nausea, throwing up, fatigue....HAIR LOSS.  At this point I've accepted that I'm going to lose my hair.  I'm too tired to fix it anyways so I'll be rocking a wig and some scarves.  Maybe I'll just walk around bald.  That seems much cooler.  I'll probably need a hat so that I don't burn.

The one where CiAnna officially has Cancer 4/6/10


I received my official diagnosis today of Hodgkin's. Giddy up. I'm headed to see my oncologist tomorrow to get my next steps scheduled including a PET scan, a bone marrow biopsy, and talk about the port surgery. Not thrilled about any of that, but hey, it is what it is. I wasn't shocked when my doctor told me today, as he told me initially a month ago that's what he thought it was. So i've been living for a month knowing I had cancer. But earlier today I had a mini breakdown. I guess I can only laugh about it so much until it hits home and I realize I'm getting ready to go through a lot of not fun chemo and possible radiation.

On another note, I took my boxer dog Wrigley to the vet today because he's been limping on his back leg for about a week. The vet says he has an inflammed knee and should stay off of it for about 4 or 5 days. Yeah, easier said than done. He's almost 2 years old, full of energy and has 3 other dogs to play with here at my parents house. So this week will be a challenge with him, but he's my baby and I love him soooo much! He knows mamma has been sick and he's been really comforting to me the past few weeks.

The one where my life is frozen 4/3/10


I just had my second biopsy done on Thursday. The doctor made an incision right over the last incision and he dug in much deeper this time. I am sore all over and can barely move my neck. This recovery process is going to be much longer than from the last surgery a week ago. My onc thinks I can get my results on either Monday or Tuesday.

I met with my onc again this past Wed. and he explained to me that I have swollen lymph nodes in more places than I thought. I thought I just had the large one in my neck that was 3cm and the one in my chest that is 14cm. HUGE. Grapefruit sizematic! Turns out they are lined up and down my neck, trachea and into my chest. I haven't had a scan yet to see below my abdomen. THis was pretty shocking at my appointment cause I realized it is worse than I thought. My doctor is convinced its Hodgkins and now we are just waiting on the results on the second biopsy.

I lost my job back in January and have been living back in my parents house since then. Of course losing my job was a blessing in disguise. I never would have gone to the doctor had my mother not forced me to go. SO it's great that I found out about HL, but on the other hand, I feel like my entire life has been put on hold. All my friends are in Nashville. I have no job, which takes a lot of pressure off of me I guess, but I'm bored outta my mind. Dating has been put on hold. I had been having a great time dating around trying to find the right guy but now that is SOOOO on hold. I recently just lost 100 pounds and a whole new world has been opened up to me and now I feel like it's been shut down. I just feel so far away from my normal life and it kinda sucks. I thought 2010 was going to be MY year!  Not so much!

I'm honestly just ready to get passed this and move on with my life.

The one where I get no answers 3/31/10

March 31, 2010

To my surprise my doctor called me Monday morning with my results. He stated the biopsy showed the node was not malignant just inflammed and infected. However my doctor said he was not convinced and was still sure it was hodgkins with all my swollen nodes and symptoms. So I'm going under the knife again. In 2 days they will cut me open again, take another small node, take a wedge from the large one on my neck that is about the size of an orange, plus do a needle biopsy on the largest node just to make sure they have enough. 

Like my doctor said, if it isn't HL, its something and we've got to figure it out. This will be a riskier surgery due to the location of the largest node on my neck so that makes me even more nervous. I was terrified at the last surgery and I'm feeling scared again even though the surgery was a piece of cake. Hopefully this time I'll stay calm and the nurse won't have to baby me by calling my mom and letting me watch looney tunes with the 9 year old in the bed next to me.

I am still meeting with my oncologist tomorrow even though I already have my results. I just have a million questions and I'm going to just drill him. Maybe Alex Trebek style and make him answer in the form of a question. Yeah that sounds great!

The one where I'm Waiting for Answers 3/28/10

March 28th, 2010

All the symptoms were there. Coughing for 8 months, night sweats, itchy skin, fatigue, oh, and that huge lump on my neck. However none of them seemed related. The coughing was because I was just sick. The night sweats were because I was just hot at night, plus had a 60 pound boxer sleeping on top of me. I was just itchy every now and again. I was tired because I was just lazy. I actually had the lump checked out about a year ago and had an ultrasound. The doctor said it was clear but told me to call if it didn't go down. Well it never went down and I never called.

I was in Chicago about 3 weeks ago with my parents and my cough was so bad this week that I literally threw up everything I ate for 8 days. Once I was back in Memphis, my mom forced me to go to the doctor. He gave me a chest xray and there it was. A mass on my lung the size of a tennis ball. That set the next events in motion really quickly. After getting a CT scan and getting about 3 opinions all my doctors have diagnosed me with what is probably Hodgkins Lymphoma. HMMM.

I just had my biopsy done on Thursday. Being put to sleep is a terrifying experience. I'm 27 and while I was laying in pre-op I started sobbing like a baby. Luckily my nurse saw I was a big baby and snuck my mom back there to see me. That was comforting. The surgery went well. They removed a small lymphnode that was attached to the huge swollen lymph node on my neck. Now I'm healing and waiting.

My results will be in on Wed. and I have a meeting with my oncologist then. I am guessing the results will confirm what they've all been saying the past few weeks. I'm ready to just get a confirmed diagnosis and start whatever treatments I may need. It's scary but I'm at peace with it. There's nothing I can do about it but kick it's butt and move on.

Until Wednesday....