I think it just occurred to me that prior to diagnosis, when I was losing all this weight (100lbs), it really had nothing to do with my sudden mastery of dieting and my attempt at running. All that time, I really thought that I had worked hard to lose weight and to change my life, but really it was Henry Hodgkins and his persistence to grow inside of me and tease me with a life I've always wanted. So, thank you Henry Hodgkins for at least giving me a glimpse of what life could be like skinnier. But in order to kill you and for me to live, I have to chemo your ass. On one hand, I guess it is better to be alive. But on the other hand living a life of being the fat girl again is pretty depressing. As of date, I have gained 40 lbs in 3 months and I'm only getting fatter.
There is part of me that really thinks that when this is all over, I can go back to dieting and go back to working out and I can lose it again. At the same time it seems like something I just can't do. For my entire life, I was always the fat kid. Then when I suddenly started losing the weight, life seemed to really change for the better for me. Then The cancer struck and just ruined everything.
I know I shouldn't be as lame as to complain about weight gain when it is saving my life, BUT.....
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Hey Ci! I know the Hodgkins most likely aided in the rapid part of your weight loss. But changing how you ate and exercising certainly were a big part of the equation! While I don't understand your battle with Hodgkins, I do know what it feels like to not want go back to the place where you feel so uncomfortable. It eats at your self-confidence. It can make your attitude so down. This is so easy for me to say, but the weight will come off again, and you will be happy again. :) We certainly have the same fear of weight gain issues. Battled it for 2 years, and I still battle it today. I heart you Ci Ci!
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